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Greatest impromptu piano duet by a 90-year-old couple December 16, 2009

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Are You Ever Too Old to Orgy? December 7, 2009

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By Frank Kaiser

To the utter horror of our children, today’s seniors are pushing the sexual envelope in ways, some say, contrary to all that’s right and holy.

Used to be, by age 60, seniors were expected to hang it up, start acting their age, and prepare for the solemn business of departing this world.

No more. What with Viagra, Levitra and all the other Ra-Ra’s now available, even nonagenarians are behaving much like hormone-crazed teenagers, blithely ignoring both old-fashioned shame and open-mouthed stares.

Consider this story out of London:

Nine Oldsters Booted Out of Nursing Home –
For Trying to Have an Orgy!

Seems that a bunch of old goats, ranging in age from 73 to 98, schemed a secret sex party to celebrate the 90th birthday of one of the “girls.”

As a British newspaper reported, “The let-it-all-hang-out party took place just after midnight on October 28. The three wrinkly Romeos and six sagging seductresses gathered together in the rec room and stripped to the buff.”

Well, you can imagine the staff’s alarm and embarrassment when orderlies investigated rumba rumbling from the rec room. There, surrounded by candles and dressed in birthday suits slathered with baby oil, the horny nine were wing-dinging to lay canes in dusty corners.

“They hadn’t got too far,” a staffer was reported to say. “I guess it was taking some of the gents a while to started. But they were all naked. Believe me, it was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Well, get used to it!

Gramps and grannies have been doing the wild thing since Adam and Eve were deep into their Golden Years. That old leech Methuselah was 187 years old when he fathered Lamech. And that was long before either Viagra or the Internet.

These days, old coots are turning on to the Web in more ways than one. It’s but a click from Google to photo sites like “Old Tarts. The Secret Sex Lives of Old Women,” “Old ‘n’ Horny,” Gorgeous Grannies,” “Hot Gummer Babes” and “Nasty Old Widows” One site opines, “Some guys just like their women aged like fine wine.” To which another adds, “Grandma has been around the block and back again, aged to perfection.”

Science backs this up.

According to a recent Janus Report, “Seventy-four percent of women age 65 and older engaged weekly in sexual activity compared with 68 percent of women ages 18 to 26. And get this: Four of 10 old biddies claim they’d like to have sex even more often.

Wow! Kind of makes you regret that you wasted all those years being young, doesn’t it?

But here’s the dirty little secret: What older women want, men can’t deliver! At least that’s what the experts at SeniorSite believe. A global survey of 27,780 aged 40 to 80 from 30 countries found aging women become sexually dysfunctional at half the rate of men.

But isn’t that why God created Viagra?

And, yes, coffee. The Archives of Internal Medicine tells us that drinking a cup of Joe translates into “a higher rate of sexual activity in elderly women and a decreased prevalence of impotency among elderly men.” No one knows why. Some speculate that the brew promotes more liberal behavior, but if that were true, Democrats would now occupy the White House.

Whatever, coffee can’t hurt.

Even if it’s only because it keeps you awake longer, have a cup of java tonight before turning in with your creaky better half. May be just what you need to get a leg up on the situation. Remember, though, if you encounter an erection lasting four hours or more, don’t blame me.

And next time you happen onto an orgy and need yet another cane, please don’t call me. I’m trying to cut back on caffeine.
© 2005 – Frank Kaiser

Stay Young :) September 17, 2009

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 We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are !


1.  Try everything twice.

On one woman’s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:

“Tried everything twice, loved it both times!”

2.  Keep only cheerful , positive friends.

The grouches pull you down.

(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.

Never let the brain get idle.  ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop..’ 

And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.

Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,

Spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6.. The tears happen:

Endure, grieve, and move on.

 The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

LIVE while you are alive..

7. Surround yourself with what you love:

Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:

If it is good, preserve it.

If it is unstable, improve it.

If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. 

 Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country,

but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

I love you, my special friend.

 11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

And if you don’t send this to at least 4 people – who cares?

But do share this with someone.

Remember! Lost time can never be found.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Return of the Ageing Adventurer April 20, 2009

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Well, no one noticed I was gone. Hmmmm, makes me wonder how long I could sneak out for?   We’ll have to test that theory another day. I bumped into Stanley as I was walking up the sidewalk — you know his walker took up most of the sidewalk. At any rate, he was curious as to my whereabouts.  He was suspicious because the frozen pudding ice cream melted a bit under that bright sun and left some spots on my blouse.  He always was pretty observent and sharp as a tack.  Maybe he’ll join me the next time I sneak out. We could have a sneak-a-thon. Ha, Ha. Wouldn’t that be a hoot. Me and Stanley.  Stanley and me. One walker and one cane and a sidewalk that’s not wide enough.  Sounds pretty unconventional to me.

Copyright Laurie Widmark 2009

To Sneak or Not To Sneak OUT April 19, 2009

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With a blue sky day in progress, daffodils tossing their yellow petals in the breeze, and  robins picking worms from the grass, it seemed like the perfect call to make believe.  Make believe that this nursing home has released me, at age 94, into the wonder of the blue sky and green grass.  Actually, if truth be known, I’m sneaking out of that place .

The Doc says fresh air will do me good and it does.  It’s not that far to the ice cream stand – which, I heard, just opened last week.  I hope they have Frozen Pudding.  Used to walk miles a day, so what’s one more today?   This cane will help me out if I need it for balance but I’ll use it to stop anyone who tries to stop me from dreaming out loud and going after that scoop of ice cream.  The cemetary is on the way and I can use it as a shortcut. Maybe I’ll check out a few spots along the way that I could mention to the family next time they visit.  Of course, they don’t want to “talk about it”.  Good grief, you’d think I was going to live forever.  For sure I’ve got five or ten more years, but if they’re not going to be good and healthy ones like I have now, I sure don’t plan on hanging around.  That’s another story. Right now I’m standing up and walking for today’s dream: ice cream at Golick’s…with whipped cream and a cherry on top. Yum.   My friends at the nursing home will be jealous.

Copyright 2009 Laurie Widmark